Inside The GOP Convention... A S.A.L.T. Exclusive

Through the magic of time travel, I was able to view the last day of the GOP Convention, and I am here to tell you how it all unfolded.  Buckle up, kids.

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Ted Nugent and Scott Baio just finished their rendition of the National Anthem.

Oh Say Can You Gun, by the gun's early gun... 

Chachi was in rare form, blaming President Obama for the fact that crescent rolls aren't called "Big C bread", and the audience applauded with glee.  Shouts of "USA, USA" rose from the audience, and the White Aryan Resistance and members of the Ku Klux Klan embraced each other in this new spirit of renewed brotherhood.  They exchanged cross-burning techniques and figured out the best angle in which to give the Hitler salute.

She's baking KKKookies and bringing milk.  WHITE milk, of course.

Everyone is stoked.  They know that today is the day that they will pick their new Supreme Leader, who will finally fulfill the promise of making that pesky Barack Obama a one-term President.

Suddenly, all the lights go out.

The crowd gasps with anticipation.

A single spotlight shines on the stage, and it follows a lone tricycle to the center of the stage.

The crowd starts to go wild!  They can't possibly figure out what's going on, but they figure that it's something that will completely destroy the liberal media.

"Maybe it's like when that Clint Eastwood feller talked to that empty stool!  YEE HAW!!! I gits it!  Oblammo is the empty tricycle!"

The spotlight on the tricycle remains, and the house lights flicker.  A buzz and crackle of static emanates through the sound system.  The static clears, and this song begins playing.

While this song is playing, the giant ReaganTron6000 monitors flicker between a series of test patterns, static, and random error messages.  Then, this image appears on the screen:

Most of the crowd think that this is yet another mockery of President Obama, and the clap and yelp like rabid hyenas on bath salts.  The yelping dies down as some Republicans begin to recognize that face, and connect it to the tricycle and the music.  The excited and victorious atmosphere is now transformed to an atmosphere of terror.  At that moment, the "keynote speech" begins.

"Hello, Republicans.  You have been misleading the populace with the trickle-down prophecies of St. Ronald of Reagan, and you have been demonizing poor people, minorities, and anyone who isn't a white, Christian male for decades.  With the election of President Barack Hussein Obama in 2008, you turned dog-whistle rhetoric into full-blown, uncompromising bigotry.

"You formed a cabal to block every initiative that this President offers, promising to make him a one-term President on the day of his inauguration.  You gave voice to, and legitimized, a weapons-grade moron in the form of Sarah Palin.  In 2010, you took advantage of voter disaffection and ushered in a wave of do-nothing politicians in the form of the Tea Potty Party.  The rise of the Tea Party gave political birth to the likes of Ted Cruz, Joni Ernst, Tom Cotton, Mark Kirk, and other people who aren't qualified to write bylaws for a game of tag, let alone write laws for the United States.  You have stepped into the abyss willingly and gleefully.

"In 2012, you had a chance to redeem yourself, and to prove that you were not clinically insane.  But you rejected relative moderate John Huntsman as your party's candidate for the Presidency, and went with billionaire vulture capitalist Mitt Romney,  Romney, of course, was defeated handily.

"Your party's members have been disrespectful to the President, even yelling 'You lie' during a State of the Union address.  You have descended into the mouth of madness when you convinced yourself that the President is a Kenyan-born socialist Muslim communist anti-American, exotic 'other.'  The National Rifle Association has convinced you that this 'usurper' is coming for your guns, causing you to panic and buy every gun in stock.  The NRA, the gun manufacturers, and the hedge fund mangers that invest in them are laughing at you, all the way to the bank.

"You made your choice this year when you selected a leader of the Birther movement to be the standard-bearer for your party.  You allowed Donald Trump to ascend from reality TV show host to the presumptive Republican nominee.  And Mr. Trump, rather than tone down incendiary rhetoric to move towards the 'center' of political discourse, continued to wallow in racism, bigotry conspiracy theories, and vicious innuendo that would make TMZ blush with pride.  Your candidate has revoked press privileges for any media outlet that has not kissed his ring.  Reporters are finally beginning to hold Mr. Trump to task for his comments about President Obama having allowed a madman to murder 49 people and injure dozens more in this country's latest mass shooting.

"Now, you must make one more choice.  Choose Donald Trump as the nominee, and you seal your party's fate as that of racists, bigots, the hateful, and the ignorant.  Every down-ballot candidate in your party will be connected to the nominee.

"Choose another person to be the nominee, and you will create chaos from the rabid, violent mouthbreathers that Donald Trump has encouraged throughout the campaign.  Your party will be splintered into tiny racist shards, unable to reassemble and take the White House.

"But understand this, Republicans and your delegates.  No matter which option you choose, the end result for the Republican Party will be...

** Jigsaw removes his mask, and the true terrifying mastermind reveals himself **

...GAME OVER."