Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Me Vs. The Human Dumpster Fire (A Dating Ghost Protocol Horror Story)

Ed. note:  I'm bringing this story up so that I can submit it to someone collecting dating horror stories, and edited it from the time(s) I posted originally, on a private blog

Prelude:  The Introduction

So, I renewed my subscription to  A girl "winked" at me.  I went to her profile, and her headline said that she's looking for someone six feet tall, light-skinned or dark skinned.  Undaunted, I responded by letting her know right off the bat that I'm nowhere near six feet tall.  She responded, and we started exchanging e-mails.

She already sent up a red flag in our conversation.  She wondered why it was taking me so long to respond to her e-mails.  "So long" being 5 minutes.  She said that it took me so long to respond because I was apparently talking to someone else.  It didn't hit me until after the fact that she said something that is, well, pretty dog-gone stupid.  I told her that she can't get upset if it takes me a few minutes to respond to an e-mail, because I can't do anything until I get the e-mail notification.  In hindsight, what I should have said was "Even if I WERE talking to someone, we're talking on a DATING SITE, and neither of us are committed to ANYONE."  That was another "hindsight" moment.  But going forward, it has given me a little insight of what I'm getting into.

Which brings me to my next point.

She has kids.  5 of them.  They range in age from 2 to 20-something.  She worried that her having so many kids would be a deal-breaker.  I thought about it, and right off the bat, even though she has a basketball team's starting line-up's worth of kids, it won't be an automatic deal-breaker.  I wondered internally if my feelings were based on me trying to "prove" that I'm "different."  Thankfully, the answer is "no."  Because initially, having kids is not a deal-breaker on the outset.  It's not a deal-breaker because we are just getting to know each other.  After we meet, then we'll see.

The Main Event:

So, I went on an early coffee date with [name redacted], the girl I met from  It's a day off, and it's beautiful outside, so I figure "What have I got to lose?"  Since she doesn't have a car, it meant that I had to pick her up from her house.  I don't have a problem with that.  She gives me her address, and I go out to her house.

She lives in an apartment building, and the building doesn't have a doorbell.  Plus, I don't know which apartment she lives in (she didn't specify).  So, I shoot her a text to let her know that I was outside.  8 minutes later, she responds.  A few minutes later, I see the door opens.

Oh, sweet mother of God.

I think I did a good job of hiding just how terrified I was, and I could swear that I heard the "Godzilla" theme in the background.  I mean, I knew that she had 5 kids, but according to her profile, her body type was listed as "average."  Not "curvy", or "Big & Beautiful" or "a few extra pounds."  She was fully-blown morbidly obese, waddling and working up a sweat as she walked to my car.  I've seen women who have had a gang of kids, and you couldn't tell that they had ONE.  She, however, looked like her body was ravaged by childbirth.

And cake.

And extra cake.

And ice cream.

And extra cheeseburgers.

And extra chicken wings.

And even more cake.

You get the idea.

After a few minutes to process what had just unfolded in front of me, I get out of my car to greet her.  What's the first thing she says to me?

"Wow.  I didn't think you'd be THIS short."

I swear before God and on everything that I hold dear that it took everything within me to hold back from saying "I didn't think you'd be this fat", getting back in my car, and driving off.

Now, please believe that I don't expect a woman that I encounter to be a perfect, Beyonce-like specimen, because I don't.  Lord knows I won't be gracing the covers of any fitness magazines.  "Curvy" is fine, "a few extra pounds" is fine.  But when you say that your body type is "average", and it turns out that you mean "average in comparison to a Buick 225", then we have a problem.

...Sorry, I'm not into dating 'Deuce and a Quarters'...

And then to compound that with YOUR assessment about MY height... 

Let me back up for a minute.

Her profile heading says that she's looking for men 6' tall.  When I responded to her wink, I told her that I was well under 6'.  My profile lists my height as 5' 6", and that's only because it won't let me say that I'm 5', 5 1/2".  And make no mistake:  I don't have any hang-ups about my height.  I KNOW I'm short, and I'm cool with it.  And I don't begrudge a lady that's looking for a taller guy.  If that's her preference, then that's cool.

The 5 kids wasn't a deal breaker, but her comment most certainly was.  But, I didn't end it.  We still went out.

On the way out, we chatted a little bit, and she unfolded the horror story that is her life in front of me.  She has two baby-daddies (her words), and that's only because the oldest baby-daddies was killed.  The apartment that she lives in is in foreclosure, so she and her kids will have to move.  As it turned out, her eldest child, a daughter, doesn't live with her, but is staying with her.  The oldest daughter is on a 4-year scholarship to a college in South Carolina, I think.  She was using her son's disability payments to pay her rent.  But since the building's in foreclosure, she doesn't get those payments.

I told her that I work for the Unemployment Office on 119th.  She told me that she's going to be assigned to the Public Aid office right next door.

By the way:  The two remaining baby-daddies?  On drugs.

When we get to our destination, we chat some more.  Some of it is small talk, like favorite movies and stuff.  Other times, she pulls back the curtain on some of her dating experiences.  

Like how she gave it up on the first date to another dude she met on, and how another dude told her to take the bus home after she wouldn't put up with his disrespect.  She told me about how guys are after her for her body (I almost choked at that), and they ask her right on the outset for nekkid pictures of her (see the above looks of horror).

She talked about going back to school for massage therapy or something in the medical assistant field, which is fine.  But it doesn't sound like she has any desires beyond that.  She also told me that she is interested in getting some sort of lap band surgery or something.

The bottom line is that this one is certainly a no-go.  There are far too many things going on there, things that I'm not in a position to (or even want to) deal with.  

Her number of kids didn't do her in... but her comment, and just about everything else with her did.

And when I think about it, it's still a good thing... because it gives me a better gauge on what ARE my deal-breakers, beyond being Tyler Perry fans... heh.

One more thing:

This is the second time that someone has been "disillusioned" by my height.  The first time was a girl who "thought that I'd be taller", even though I TOLD her how tall I was.  If I recall correctly, she thought that I'd be taller than the actual height I mentioned.  And as it turned out, she happened to be built like a refrigerator box.