Inside The GOP Convention... A S.A.L.T. Exclusive

Through the magic of time travel, I was able to view the last day of the GOP Convention, and I am here to tell you how it all unfolded.  Buckle up, kids.

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Ted Nugent and Scott Baio just finished their rendition of the National Anthem.

Oh Say Can You Gun, by the gun's early gun... 

Chachi was in rare form, blaming President Obama for the fact that crescent rolls aren't called "Big C bread", and the audience applauded with glee.  Shouts of "USA, USA" rose from the audience, and the White Aryan Resistance and members of the Ku Klux Klan embraced each other in this new spirit of renewed brotherhood.  They exchanged cross-burning techniques and figured out the best angle in which to give the Hitler salute.

She's baking KKKookies and bringing milk.  WHITE milk, of course.

Everyone is stoked.  They know that today is the day that they will pick their new Supreme Leader, who will finally fulfill the promise of making that pesky Barack Obama a one-term President.

Suddenly, all the lights go out.

The crowd gasps with anticipation.

A single spotlight shines on the stage, and it follows a lone tricycle to the center of the stage.

The crowd starts to go wild!  They can't possibly figure out what's going on, but they figure that it's something that will completely destroy the liberal media.

"Maybe it's like when that Clint Eastwood feller talked to that empty stool!  YEE HAW!!! I gits it!  Oblammo is the empty tricycle!"

The spotlight on the tricycle remains, and the house lights flicker.  A buzz and crackle of static emanates through the sound system.  The static clears, and this song begins playing.

While this song is playing, the giant ReaganTron6000 monitors flicker between a series of test patterns, static, and random error messages.  Then, this image appears on the screen:

Most of the crowd think that this is yet another mockery of President Obama, and the clap and yelp like rabid hyenas on bath salts.  The yelping dies down as some Republicans begin to recognize that face, and connect it to the tricycle and the music.  The excited and victorious atmosphere is now transformed to an atmosphere of terror.  At that moment, the "keynote speech" begins.

"Hello, Republicans.  You have been misleading the populace with the trickle-down prophecies of St. Ronald of Reagan, and you have been demonizing poor people, minorities, and anyone who isn't a white, Christian male for decades.  With the election of President Barack Hussein Obama in 2008, you turned dog-whistle rhetoric into full-blown, uncompromising bigotry.

"You formed a cabal to block every initiative that this President offers, promising to make him a one-term President on the day of his inauguration.  You gave voice to, and legitimized, a weapons-grade moron in the form of Sarah Palin.  In 2010, you took advantage of voter disaffection and ushered in a wave of do-nothing politicians in the form of the Tea Potty Party.  The rise of the Tea Party gave political birth to the likes of Ted Cruz, Joni Ernst, Tom Cotton, Mark Kirk, and other people who aren't qualified to write bylaws for a game of tag, let alone write laws for the United States.  You have stepped into the abyss willingly and gleefully.

"In 2012, you had a chance to redeem yourself, and to prove that you were not clinically insane.  But you rejected relative moderate John Huntsman as your party's candidate for the Presidency, and went with billionaire vulture capitalist Mitt Romney,  Romney, of course, was defeated handily.

"Your party's members have been disrespectful to the President, even yelling 'You lie' during a State of the Union address.  You have descended into the mouth of madness when you convinced yourself that the President is a Kenyan-born socialist Muslim communist anti-American, exotic 'other.'  The National Rifle Association has convinced you that this 'usurper' is coming for your guns, causing you to panic and buy every gun in stock.  The NRA, the gun manufacturers, and the hedge fund mangers that invest in them are laughing at you, all the way to the bank.

"You made your choice this year when you selected a leader of the Birther movement to be the standard-bearer for your party.  You allowed Donald Trump to ascend from reality TV show host to the presumptive Republican nominee.  And Mr. Trump, rather than tone down incendiary rhetoric to move towards the 'center' of political discourse, continued to wallow in racism, bigotry conspiracy theories, and vicious innuendo that would make TMZ blush with pride.  Your candidate has revoked press privileges for any media outlet that has not kissed his ring.  Reporters are finally beginning to hold Mr. Trump to task for his comments about President Obama having allowed a madman to murder 49 people and injure dozens more in this country's latest mass shooting.

"Now, you must make one more choice.  Choose Donald Trump as the nominee, and you seal your party's fate as that of racists, bigots, the hateful, and the ignorant.  Every down-ballot candidate in your party will be connected to the nominee.

"Choose another person to be the nominee, and you will create chaos from the rabid, violent mouthbreathers that Donald Trump has encouraged throughout the campaign.  Your party will be splintered into tiny racist shards, unable to reassemble and take the White House.

"But understand this, Republicans and your delegates.  No matter which option you choose, the end result for the Republican Party will be...

** Jigsaw removes his mask, and the true terrifying mastermind reveals himself **

...GAME OVER."

Attention, Protesters: Stay Away From The RNC Convention!

This is Donald J. Trump.

"The mushroom clouds and apocalypse are gonna be YOOOOJ!"

He is the presumptive Republican nominee for the Presidency of the United States.  Later, we can discuss how we got here.  But for now, let's focus on the near future.  And the near future is the upcoming Republican National Committee Convention.  This is the huge event where they officially nominate the candidate as their party's standard bearer.

Now, Trump campaign rallies have been rife with violence against protesters, so much so that a video superimposed Trump encouraging violence against protesters with footage of civil rights protesters being beaten and attacked by the police, and the result is truly horrifying and terribly accurate.  Yes, we've been here before, and this is the America that Trump wants to take us back to.

I'm hoping that the protesters stay away from the RNC convention this year.  Not because they may be subject to assault by Trump staffers, and harassed and attacked by Trump supporters.

No.

Protesters need to stay away from the RNC protest because it will be a cataclysmic disaster.  Every day that passes presents a new opportunity for Trump to alienate a potential voter base.  His most recent remarks put him square against the U.S. Army, when he accused "an" Army of stealing cash meant for Iraqi citizens.

Yep, Trump is attacking the troops.

Trump's campaign is a living, breathing dumpster fire.  Or, as my friend who runs the Primarily Politics Facebook Page says, it's a Trumpster Fire.

Pictured:  Donald Trump's Campaign, coming to an alley near you

The reason why protesters should stay away is because the Republican Party is in the verge of collapse.  Republicans everywhere are either trying to disavow Trump, or having regrets about endorsing him, or hint at some sort of palace coup at the convention.  They will either nominate Trump, signaling Republican Armageddon, or they will work behind the scenes to nominate someone else, much to Trump's and his supporters' chagrin... which will also signal Republican Armageddon.

What we need is to let this entire cataclysm play itself out.  The last thing any of these warring factions needs is a common enemy to unite them.  We don't need to see Trump supporters distracted by things such as immigration reform, Trump's racism, Trump's sexism, Trump's failed businesses, Trump's comments about the military, or any of that.  We need for them to focus on Trump, and whether or not Paul Ryan will stab Trump in the back.

This is a grand opportunity for anyone opposed to anything that the Tea Potty and the Republicans stand for.  And when it comes time for the Convention to roll around, all we have to do sit back and watch it all unfold.

The RNC Convention concludes on a positive note.

But hey, if you must go, stay out of the blast radius and bring the hotdogs and marshmallows.  S'mores for everybody.

Me Vs. The Human Dumpster Fire (A Dating Ghost Protocol Horror Story)

Ed. note:  I'm bringing this story up so that I can submit it to someone collecting dating horror stories, and edited it from the time(s) I posted originally, on a private blog

Prelude:  The Introduction

So, I renewed my subscription to Match.com.  A girl "winked" at me.  I went to her profile, and her headline said that she's looking for someone six feet tall, light-skinned or dark skinned.  Undaunted, I responded by letting her know right off the bat that I'm nowhere near six feet tall.  She responded, and we started exchanging e-mails.

She already sent up a red flag in our conversation.  She wondered why it was taking me so long to respond to her e-mails.  "So long" being 5 minutes.  She said that it took me so long to respond because I was apparently talking to someone else.  It didn't hit me until after the fact that she said something that is, well, pretty dog-gone stupid.  I told her that she can't get upset if it takes me a few minutes to respond to an e-mail, because I can't do anything until I get the e-mail notification.  In hindsight, what I should have said was "Even if I WERE talking to someone, we're talking on a DATING SITE, and neither of us are committed to ANYONE."  That was another "hindsight" moment.  But going forward, it has given me a little insight of what I'm getting into.

Which brings me to my next point.

She has kids.  5 of them.  They range in age from 2 to 20-something.  She worried that her having so many kids would be a deal-breaker.  I thought about it, and right off the bat, even though she has a basketball team's starting line-up's worth of kids, it won't be an automatic deal-breaker.  I wondered internally if my feelings were based on me trying to "prove" that I'm "different."  Thankfully, the answer is "no."  Because initially, having kids is not a deal-breaker on the outset.  It's not a deal-breaker because we are just getting to know each other.  After we meet, then we'll see.

The Main Event:

So, I went on an early coffee date with [name redacted], the girl I met from Match.com.  It's a day off, and it's beautiful outside, so I figure "What have I got to lose?"  Since she doesn't have a car, it meant that I had to pick her up from her house.  I don't have a problem with that.  She gives me her address, and I go out to her house.

She lives in an apartment building, and the building doesn't have a doorbell.  Plus, I don't know which apartment she lives in (she didn't specify).  So, I shoot her a text to let her know that I was outside.  8 minutes later, she responds.  A few minutes later, I see the door opens.

Oh, sweet mother of God.

I think I did a good job of hiding just how terrified I was, and I could swear that I heard the "Godzilla" theme in the background.  I mean, I knew that she had 5 kids, but according to her profile, her body type was listed as "average."  Not "curvy", or "Big & Beautiful" or "a few extra pounds."  She was fully-blown morbidly obese, waddling and working up a sweat as she walked to my car.  I've seen women who have had a gang of kids, and you couldn't tell that they had ONE.  She, however, looked like her body was ravaged by childbirth.

And cake.

And extra cake.

And ice cream.

And extra cheeseburgers.

And extra chicken wings.

And even more cake.

You get the idea.

After a few minutes to process what had just unfolded in front of me, I get out of my car to greet her.  What's the first thing she says to me?

"Wow.  I didn't think you'd be THIS short."

I swear before God and on everything that I hold dear that it took everything within me to hold back from saying "I didn't think you'd be this fat", getting back in my car, and driving off.

Now, please believe that I don't expect a woman that I encounter to be a perfect, Beyonce-like specimen, because I don't.  Lord knows I won't be gracing the covers of any fitness magazines.  "Curvy" is fine, "a few extra pounds" is fine.  But when you say that your body type is "average", and it turns out that you mean "average in comparison to a Buick 225", then we have a problem.

...Sorry, I'm not into dating 'Deuce and a Quarters'...

And then to compound that with YOUR assessment about MY height... 

Let me back up for a minute.

Her profile heading says that she's looking for men 6' tall.  When I responded to her wink, I told her that I was well under 6'.  My profile lists my height as 5' 6", and that's only because it won't let me say that I'm 5', 5 1/2".  And make no mistake:  I don't have any hang-ups about my height.  I KNOW I'm short, and I'm cool with it.  And I don't begrudge a lady that's looking for a taller guy.  If that's her preference, then that's cool.

The 5 kids wasn't a deal breaker, but her comment most certainly was.  But, I didn't end it.  We still went out.

On the way out, we chatted a little bit, and she unfolded the horror story that is her life in front of me.  She has two baby-daddies (her words), and that's only because the oldest baby-daddies was killed.  The apartment that she lives in is in foreclosure, so she and her kids will have to move.  As it turned out, her eldest child, a daughter, doesn't live with her, but is staying with her.  The oldest daughter is on a 4-year scholarship to a college in South Carolina, I think.  She was using her son's disability payments to pay her rent.  But since the building's in foreclosure, she doesn't get those payments.

I told her that I work for the Unemployment Office on 119th.  She told me that she's going to be assigned to the Public Aid office right next door.

By the way:  The two remaining baby-daddies?  On drugs.

When we get to our destination, we chat some more.  Some of it is small talk, like favorite movies and stuff.  Other times, she pulls back the curtain on some of her dating experiences.  

Like how she gave it up on the first date to another dude she met on Match.com, and how another dude told her to take the bus home after she wouldn't put up with his disrespect.  She told me about how guys are after her for her body (I almost choked at that), and they ask her right on the outset for nekkid pictures of her (see the above looks of horror).

She talked about going back to school for massage therapy or something in the medical assistant field, which is fine.  But it doesn't sound like she has any desires beyond that.  She also told me that she is interested in getting some sort of lap band surgery or something.

The bottom line is that this one is certainly a no-go.  There are far too many things going on there, things that I'm not in a position to (or even want to) deal with.  

Her number of kids didn't do her in... but her comment, and just about everything else with her did.

And when I think about it, it's still a good thing... because it gives me a better gauge on what ARE my deal-breakers, beyond being Tyler Perry fans... heh.

One more thing:

This is the second time that someone has been "disillusioned" by my height.  The first time was a girl who "thought that I'd be taller", even though I TOLD her how tall I was.  If I recall correctly, she thought that I'd be taller than the actual height I mentioned.  And as it turned out, she happened to be built like a refrigerator box.